Sometimes Things Just Won't Ever Be the Same, No Matter How Hard You Try

In hindsight there are so many instances that left me feeling empty, alone, scared, distraught, frustrated, broken, and just downright defeated. These instances accumulated as the days passed by and with every fight and argument that happened, the rug that we kept sweeping crap under no longer covered the resentment and anger. Day in and day out, the tension built up, and the slightest disagreement was a war that turned into complete silence for days. I continued to bury myself in work and tried my hardest to hold my head up and keep myself together. I posted pictures on social media that demonstrated a life that I not only wasn't living, but the people in the pictures I no longer knew; they looked like complete strangers to me. But as much as I felt like my life was falling apart...and it WAS falling apart I painted the pretty picture everyone often does.

As the fights became more frequent I started confiding in people, especially my parents, because I didn't know what else to do. The therapy wasn't working...AT ALL, which was so frustrating because I knew that was our last hope we had of turning this mess around. Deep down I knew while I could improve things on my part, unless he admitted to being the abusive person he was, our marriage was never going to survive no matter how hard I tried and no matter how much I wanted it.

May 5th - it was a good day, well, and good in the sense that we hadn't fought in the last 24 hours (sad, huh?). We got in the car and headed to a friends house for a birthday celebration. Everything seemed ok for awhile and I noticed a shift in his mood. He sat by the fire on his phone hardly engaging with anyone after awhile and I made the decision to head home at that point. Deep down I had that gut feeling that a fight was on the horizon so part of me was anxious to leave the "safe zone" of the party with my friends surrounding me but the other part of me thought maybe this time would be different and I was just being paranoid. As I said my good-byes I noticed he was nowhere to be found and I waited out front of the house trying to figure out where he had gone. I called him and he told me he was in the car, I asked him to pull around the front of the house and he told me no that I could walk to the car myself (at that moment I knew where this was going). I got in the car and didn't say a word; I figured it was probably best at this point to just diffuse the situation by not engaging.....WRONG.

I took my phone out as we pulled away and started flipping through my social media. He started yelling at me for being on my cell phone and not engaging with him. I tried to take deep breaths and not engage....but his complaints about me being on my cell phone turned into his usual put downs and name-calling. He proceeded to tell me that I was anti-social and a square and I was boring him to death; he told me that I'm not capable of talking to my own husband and that I'm supposed to entertain him. He went back to complaining about me being on my phone. At that point I stated that he was on the phone at the party, what was the difference? I really should have just kept my mouth shut because that only made him more upset. He then turned the radio up to the loudest volume it could go. Mind you he had been drinking and it was midnight at this point and the last thing either of us needed was an accident or a cop pulling him over. I reached over and turned the radio down because I didn't want it to be a distraction, plus it was so loud it was hurting my ears and head for that matter. He turned it all the way back up telling me "Don't touch my fucking stuff!" I said, "You've been drinking and having the radio that loud is just an accident waiting to happen or a red flag for a cop" and I reached over and turned it down again. It was then that he grabbed my forearm.

I remember fearing for my life at that moment; not only did he have my arm locked very tightly in his grip and wasn't letting go, he was FUMING angry, had been drinking and was driving. I tried to pull my arm free and told him repeatedly to let me go, that we were going to get into an accident and he just ignored me. He yelled at me as he pulled off the freeway and told me to get the fuck out of his car, that I could find another way home. There was so much going through my head, I was scared, I was pissed, I was confused.....I didn't know what to do because I didn't know what he would do if I reacted any which way. I told him I was not going to get out of the car in the middle of Santa Ana at midnight. He told me he would drop me off at the hospital and I could find a way home from there. At that point I threatened to call the police if he dropped me off and that I would report him drunk driving. You better bet at that moment he got right back on that freeway and drove us home. We didn't speak the rest of the evening, I tossed his pillow out of the bedroom and closed and locked the door. I laid there shaking, crying realizing this is NOT the life that I wanted nor deserved and it was time for me to make a decision.

I packed a bag and hid it in my closet and dozed off to sleep eventually. I woke up the next morning wondering if what happened was real or if I had dreamt it. I somewhat expected him to be humbled and realize what he had done was so wrong. I thought for sure he would apologize out of fear, or something, but instead he walked up to me, told me he was going to his dads and walked out the door. After he left, I grabbed Oscar, my packed bag and I left. I went to my parents house, told them what happened and decided at that moment through swollen, blurry eyes that my marriage was over and I was going to be filing for divorce.

It had been a thought prior to this day but it was merely a thought that I kept pushing out of my head as I thought about my vows......but today was the day that I would admit out loud to not only myself, but my parents, that it was over and my entire body flooded with emotion as my dad squeezed me in his chest and the tears just rolled uncontrollably down my face. There was no going back now....................

4 Years of Chances ... Part 2: Year One to Two of Marriage

"The First Year of marriage is the hardest" ... It's what you hear over and over again from from professionals, from your parents, maybe some of your friends. Hell, it's just a known statement.
I entered into my marriage knowing things were going to get rough at some point or another and that I would NEVER give up. I entered knowing I would always work hard, like I always have in every aspect of my life, to make my marriage work. Except I never knew it would be so hard so early. By early I mean two weeks into it, second red flag that I so naively ignored was waving aggressively in the air. With my husband still out of work, I changed my job to full time hours and continued to take on every invitation side business job I could so that if we needed to I had extra funds to handle the bills. I could see two weeks after our wedding that the "honeymoon phase" was over; or maybe it never even existed when I look back on it. I could see the personality change, the affection lessen, the resentment building but I tried to just keep doing what I could in the situation I was in. Still out of work, I watched as he became frustrated at what I assumed was the fact he could not "provide", or maybe he didn't feel like "the man". I would negotiate my thoughts and feelings daily as he became cold and hard towards me. His expectations started to change and his demands increased with no regard to my feelings or thoughts. I sat working one afternoon after ending an 8 hour day at the office when he bulldozed into the house demanding I help him carry in groceries from the car. Being I was in the middle of something (WORK), I didn't exactly jump to assist him right away which angered him even more. He proceeded to tell me that I never help him, or do anything around the house and that I am a shitty wife for not stopping what I was doing to help him. To this day, I've never gotten over hearing those words come out of my newly wed husband's mouth. I felt like he had slapped me across the face with those words, how could he be so unhappy with me only weeks into this marriage and so insulting without even flinching. I didn't know it at the moment, but that would be the beginning of the end for us. 


Three months went by before he was finally hired at a local mortgage company. I thought that I might be able to breathe again and possibly enjoy this thing called Marriage. Nope, I was wrong. The pressure and manipulation started as he began to push the purchasing a house idea. I owned the condo we lived in and had plans to keep it and rent it out when we were able to purchase a bigger home - we were NOWHERE near that without me selling the condo so I was really not in agreement with the idea. After months of arguing I finally gave in and we purchased a home; I said goodbye to my goal of renting out the condo as an investment property and resentment immediately set in. I spent hours unpacking, packing with the help of my parents (not my husband), all while working full time, prepping the condo for sale, running an invitation business and trying my best to fulfill my duties as a wife.

I was already unhappy but trying my best to hide it and just blame it on all the stressors in my life. We decided now was a good time to head to Kauai for our "honeymoon". We packed our bags in hopes that this trip would rekindle what we once shared and felt. WRONG AGAIN. The tension was always there - we were simply trying to bury it and sweep it under the rug hoping paradise would erase it all. That's not how it works. Day two of Kauai my life in my marriage changed forever and to be honest changed me forever. I no longer saw my husband, I saw a monster; someone who looked through me not at me, who saw me as an object not a person, who used me instead of loving me. And as I cried he grew more angry with me telling me I was ridiculous. I told him that if his dad could only see how he was talking to me, he would not be happy with him. He replied stating that if his dad knew how much of a Bitch I was being that he would tell him to leave me (doubtful). We spent the day separate because I couldn't bare to look at him and quite frankly I don't think he cared to look at me either. I contemplated packing my stuff and leaving right then but I didn't. By the time we left he had changed his seats for the flight home without telling me. We boarded the plane and I went to my seat as he kept walking to another row without saying a word.

I didn't sleep at all that entire flight - I kept waiting for him to come check on me, make sure I was ok, kiss me, say I'm sorry - something. We landed and as we waited for the car he proceeded to tell me that flying without me was the best part of the trip and called me a bunch of negative things. It was a long drive home - silent drive home as I fought to hold back the tears. We slept separately that night and I knew the next day was do or die.

We woke up and I laid it out there.....Therapy or I'm done. He agreed to go. We chose a therapist and for months tried to mend what I already knew deep down was never going to be repaired. But I tried anyway. By December 2015 (1.5 years after getting married) nothing had changed and we were merely tolerating eachother on a day to day basis. I buried myself in more work and he slipped away by going out with the guys or coworkers more and more. He started bailing on plans we made without even blinking an eye and started sleeping in separate rooms more frequently. Our marriage was slipping away before our very eyes and I grew more and more exhausted, resentful, and I, for the first time in my life felt helpless and alone.

Big Bear April 2016 - last good memory I would make with my husband and family. Those moments would never happen again as life changed for all of us May 5th, 2016. My life would never be the same, everything would end for us that night with ZERO chance of repair - NO MATTER WHAT.

4 Years of Chances....Part 1

So I promised I wouldn't stay away for so long again ........... turns out I lied (forgive me).

It's been almost exactly 4 years since my last post - WOW 4 years.

I, of course, took time to read my last post, ironically on the date JUNE 28th, 2013 (you will learn why this is ironic later). I would be lying if I said it didn't strike a cord and bring to surface emotions that I haven't felt in awhile - sadness, disappointment, anger, confusion to name a few. I know most people would never put their life out there for people to engulf themselves in, but I always feel that every experience in life - good or bad - has something to offer everyone. So, I will continue to bring to light what life has put in front of me and hope that it either helps someone get through something similar or maybe just sheds light on something that perhaps someone they know is going through. Either way - I'm here for you :o).

I left you all with my heart bursting at the seams with love, happiness, optimism, hope, and certainty. I had this man that appeared out of nowhere when I had just learned how to live and love on my own. It happened when I least expected it to and I was high as high can be on his love. We were the couple I always dreamed I would be a part of and he was all mine and I was all his. Two months after my last post he made my dreams come true and he proposed with a picture perfect backdrop of Laguna Beach and Catalina, sun setting in the distance. We called my parents, celebrated with his mom and a toast of bubbly and we made the all too unnecessary (but required in a weird way) social media announcement "The Lion Has Been Tamed" (stupid in hindsight). I never thought this day would come and when it did I was happier than I ever thought happy could feel like. I had my forever, I had the man of my dreams and I couldn't wait to marry him.

Wedding plans started right away and we started preparing for our life together. In October, my employer of 4 years dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere, "We are eliminating your position." I was devastated, scared and shocked. I suddenly started regretting all those stupid shopping sprees, vacations, etc. angry with myself for not saving more when I had it. I cried for a long time, then I called my fiance. He encouraged me to take a chance on my invitation business and supported me better than I could have imagined.......I had a sense of relief. I used my time off to hike every morning and prepare for my wedding dress body, I mastered many COOKING LIGHT dishes and I worked hard on building my business. I actually was loving my life as a housewife, taking care of my soon to be husband and the household while still balancing my furbaby and my business; I felt like wonder woman. The holidays came and went, wedding planning continued and we were getting close to the big day.....when another BOMB was dropped on us. My fiance called to tell me that his company had done a huge layoff and he was one of the layoffs.....................................talk about testing a relationship - through good and bad right??? We didn't panic, we just kept moving forward and I eventually started my new job in April of 2014 (out for a total of 6 months). They worked with my wedding planning and invitation business schedule and I will forever be grateful for that because I was able to keep my sanity. I still currently work for them and I couldn't be happier and still so very appreciative.

In the middle of it all there was still a wedding to plan. Relatives started coming to town and final details were being decided upon. My fiance's cousin from out of the country came for two weeks and we gladly let him stay with us; Oscar fell so in love with him he stopped sleeping with us and chose the couch with him :o). I took over most of the planning because I really wanted my fiance and his cousin to have this time together since he was out of work I figured it would lighten his spirits and it gave him time to show his cousin around after so many years. I loved seeing the two of them together, laughing, bonding having the time of their lives. FAMILY - nothing beats it.

The planning for the most part was easy, we agreed on almost everything......almost. I remember the words of so many of my friends who had gone through this before with regrets of not getting a videographer, so I desperately wanted to have that element for our wedding. To me pictures are great but you can't make them come to life; a video would capture it all. It was the only thing we would be expected to pay for (lucky us).....and it was the ONLY thing that served as a crystal ball into my future marriage with this man if I had only seen the red flag being waved in my face. The discussions about paying for a videographer were frequent, one moment he would agree, one moment he wouldn't and call it a waste of money. I didn't understand how he could look at me and say those words; it's our wedding day! I watched him spend money on frivolous things that only mattered to him: tires, a stereo, a muffler, etc. I watched him as he disregarded what I wanted and only focused on what he wanted. I thought, it's because he's out of work and he's the man - he's frustrated, agitated, feels emasculated. So I brushed it off (terrible mistake). I attempted to bring up the video one last time which I fully regretted as he snapped at me, telling me he didn't have money to spend on something so stupid. Our voices got louder, the frustration levels got higher as word vomit just spilled from both our mouths. I eventually said that I think we should seek counseling before walking down the aisle. He responded with, "I'm out of work I don't have money for counseling...so you pay for it." At that point I reminded him of the money he had been spending on the second car he had purchased which led him to tell me to "F off" as he told me he was leaving the country until the wedding day.

After many hours of cooling down, I convinced him not to go and we moved forward as if nothing had happened (standard). I called my friend, feeling a knot in my stomach wondering if this was just the stress of being out of work or was this person I had just seen who my husband was going to be. I questioned myself and my decision to marry him but somehow managed to convince myself that it was just life's circumstances, God testing us and that we could surpass it all.

Before we knew it JUNE 28th, 2014 (I told this date was ironic) was upon us. HE vowed to hold me to the highest regard; I vowed to never give up on him, myself or our marriage. We celebrated the first steps of our new life with 165 of our closest friends and family. Everything was like a fairy tale and as picture perfect as any movie had portrayed a wedding day to be. I was in love and I was happy...........................was.

Plans Don't Always Work Out The Way We Think...They Do Work Out for the Better

Wow, it's been far too long since the last time I posted and it's for very good reason, I promise. My invitation world has officially taken over my life - now consistently creating invitations for 3-4 clients at a time and given that wedding season is now year round, it just hasn't stopped - good and bad I suppose.  I started this business for fun not really taking it all that seriously in the beginning and I slightly had a little different plan for myself. Turns out you should never plan your life out because IT NEVER ENDS UP THAT WAY. And although at times we dwell on things not working out according to planned....something bigger and better happens along the way that makes you truly believe in the saying "Everything Happens for a Reason."

7 years ago I thought, "Why Not?" I'll do invitations here and there for fun and see what happens. Well starting a business 7 years ago was the best thing I could have done - my world was surrounded by friends and family getting married and having babies and they all took a chance on me. From them grew a wonderful network of people in the industry or not in the industry that allowed me to flourish very easily I might add. Without an advertising dollar paid, or an effort my work spoke for itself. And 7 years later its become a full time job in addition to my full time job (part 2). I thought my life would be a little different at 31 but turns out its actually better than I tried to plan it to be - GO FIGURE. 

A lot has happened and each occurrence good or bad has paved the path to the happiness I live today. I took chances - I failed, I succeeded, I was hurt, I hurt others, I cried, I laughed - and here I am. Happy. We are human and we will make choices and decisions every day big and small, but at the end of the day as long as we can fall asleep at night proud of who we are that's all you can ask for. Everything else will fall into place as it is meant to and life will throw curves your way, perhaps challenges, perhaps lessons but it's life. It's a gift that you only get ONE TIME. I learned to be happy on my own after being in relationship after relationship which was the best lesson I taught myself. And wouldn't you know, after finding that happiness ... happiness found me. There HE was....and it all happened by fate if I had to explain it in the simplest way. I actually now know what everyone meant when they said "You will know when you know....you JUST KNOW."

Well I knew...and while I at times thought it was too good to be true, my heart told me otherwise. When you can stay up until 4 in the morning talking, not once, not twice, not three times but every time you are with someone that's chemistry - passion - love. All the pieces fell right into place without effort at all. He has always made me feel beautiful, he has always made me laugh and he has always loved me in a way I can't compare or explain. It's been the ride of a lifetime and continues to be and believe me as amazing as he is and as amazing as we are together we aren't perfect all the time, but we are perfect together. A perfect balance of similarity and difference - me and him.

So you see - I've been busy..... and now you know why. I promise I won't stay away too long again ... 

Halo Heaven ...

It's mid March which can only mean one thing...no, no not March Madness, or Easter or Spring......BASEBALL season is creeping up on us! Time to gear up for hot dogs, beer, and above all, my Anaheim Angels; I dare not say Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim because I just think that's plain wrong but that's a whole different tangent.
I grew up watching my older brother play baseball and when the interest of the sport sparked within myself, it was time for me to sign up for softball. I started playing when I was about 9 years old and played until I was about 17 when I finally hung up the cleats and glove. There was nothing like traveling every weekend in cold weather, hot weather and just playing from sun up until sun down. I met a handful of life-long friends playing the sport of softball and I can't imagine what my life would have been like without the sport, without the adventure, without the experience and without the friendships. It was definitely one of the first loves of my life and boy did my parents know how much I loved to play, which meant if I ever got in trouble....it was the one thing they took away from me by requesting the coach to bench me. (This happened until the phone came along which became another love of my life and my parents quickly realized that was far more difficult for me to live without so they learned to take that away from me instead.)
I've always enjoyed the smell of the dirt on the field, the horrible food at the snack bar, the sound of chatter and cheering and to this day I still enjoy the friendships that I made along the way:

 

I love watching the college softball world series and remembering what's it like to have so much passion for the game. I still have so much love for the sport baseball and softball. Some find it quite slow and boring, but with one swing of the bat, one bad pitch that rolls by the catcher, one terrible throw to first base .... the game can change. And as slow as it may be sometimes, it can definitely change in the blink of an eye.
I'm 100% an Angels girl, always will be through thick and thin. I watched them struggle for years and then rise to the top in 2002. I was there for all the championship games and every world series game, including game 7 when they clenched the title. Probably one of the best experiences of my life to say the least! This year should be another exciting and hopeful year for our boys in red .... got a nice preview with some of my softball girls this past weekend in Tempe, Arizona where we enjoyed a little fun in the sun at Spring Training. The boys aren't looking too bad so hopefully they will take us all the way again this year, 10 years after our last championship. I'd say we are due :o).

 

So with my tickets in hand, my Angels team gear pressed and clean and ready to wear, I look forward to baseball season (very impatiently I might add)....LIGHT UP THAT HALO!

Faith...Hope...Believe

Yesterday I sat in traffic while my mind wandered....and it wandered unknowingly to a moment in my life that I thought I had moved past. A moment that I remembered feeling so hopeful about yet it turned out to be anything but hope would entail. I kept trying to shake the memories from my mind because I swore that it was something I wouldn't revisit, something that I had grown stronger over, something that wasn't worthy of my time.....yet here that moment was: soaking up my time.

I started to realize how badly the surroundings reminded me of a moment in time when I was so happy, so hopeful and so blissful. I looked around wondering how a simple freeway, or a landmark on the side of the road, or the time of day caused my mind to be filled with something that I have been desperately trying to forget. And while I have driven this route quite frequently over the course of the past 12 months, that routes impact on me changed about half way through the year when someone came into my life and made me believe in things that I thought I would never believe in again. I felt things I never imagined I would feel again, I smiled like I had never smiled before and I felt the tides change.

Things didn't stay this way for too long, although long enough to apparently stick with me almost a year later....my smile faded, my eyes saddened, the hope I had was lost and my beliefs reverted back to what they were.  I'll never fully understand what this experience was meant to do for me...I've gone over it countless number of times in my mind as I sit at work, as I lay in bed, as I drive by myself.  The answers haven't come easy and I think I'll always wonder what could have been, but as I sat in traffic on that same freeway, passing those same landmarks, at the same time of day .... those same things I experienced when I was happier than I had ever been, smiling bigger than I ever had, believed in things I had lost hope in.....my mind wandered back to those moments .... my mind wandered to that place that at one time made me feel everything again.  At that moment I felt everything all over again, even in the absence of the person who made me feel those things.....I felt them all over again and I caught myself smiling.

When the moment faded into the back of my mind and I snapped back to reality....I got my answer I had been looking for. That mind travel I had just experienced made me realize that I can and do still believe.

......it reminded me of what it felt like to believe and to be hopeful and that perhaps that never fully goes away......sometimes we just need a reminder.

Hello 2012...

Well here we are yet again, starting the year new and refreshed and redefined. At least that's what it is to me. Last year I vowed to just accept what came to me which was the UNKNOWN....and accept it as it came I did.I honestly had no idea what to expect in 2011...I knew I was letting go completely of a big part of what my life used to consist of and I was ready to take on the world in a whole different light.  And trust me I did, however at the end of every path was a bit of a disappointment followed by laughter. I stepped into a new life filled with new experiences...I traveled more, I planned less, I took on more workloads, I built walls and took chances on people who attempted tear them down......one of which actually succeeded only to prove to me why I built walls in the first place......end result? Walls went right back up immediately. But I'm glad I took the chances I took, without taking chances, you avoid risk and disappointments yes, but you also avoid the good in the situation and of course the possibility of something amazing. I wasn't about to let something "amazing" pass me by and while it turned out to be anything but amazing I learned more about myself and this thing we call life.

Something else amazing happened in 2011...my best friend gave birth to the sunshine in my life. Words can't express what little Benjamin Randall does for me...he is just a breath of fresh air.  His smile lights up my life and the love I have for him is beyond what words can explain......he makes life so much better :o)

 

So, as I say good bye to 2011, I say hello to 2012. I say hello to the things I haven't encountered yet, to the lessons I haven't learned yet, to the people I have not crossed paths with yet....I hold on tight to those most important to me who have helped me get through the past couple of years....making me laugh and helping me to realize that through every dark moment comes a light at the end of the tunnel. This past year I learned to laugh at the things that go wrong..life isn't perfect, and it never will be.  It's just an amazing thing we have every day that allows us to make the most of what we have and not care about what we don't have. I look forward to many more memories with friends and family because 2012 is going to be an amazing year.....I'm ready.....are you?

No stone left unturned...

Well I'm a bit rusty here since it's been over 2 months since my last post, and trust me it's not due to laziness. The last two months have been very busy with work, and the invitation business, plus the usual holiday festivities have occupied much of my time as you can imagine and can most possibly relate to.  So since I last gave you something to read about, I gave thanks as usual with my family up in freezing cold Big Bear Lake, California. This year proved to be quite the party with about 30 people in attendance, while it was a good time, I definitely prefer it to go back to the usual 15-20 :o)

In addition to Thanksgiving another one of my beautiful friends married the love of her life. Stephanie Gall became Mrs. Matthew Dante in early November, another beautiful celebration that goes down in the books!

So the month of November flew by and before I knew it I was decorating for Christmas....something I chose to completely depart from last year due to my scrooged mood ha ha. But this year although most would think even 2011's experiences would get me down in the dumps, I chose the higher road. I decided to host my annual girls Christmas celebration which in turn FORCED me to decorate and partake in the typical holiday cheer. So I hung my stockings and put up my pathetically fake Charlie Brown of a Christmas Tree, hung my lights and enjoyed the touch of Christmas I pulled together. I had 4 of my closest girlfriends over the following weekend for a potluck, gift exchange, wine and laughter. I don't believe we've laughed that hard in a long time. And of course the more the wine poured down the pipes, the looser the conversation flowed, spilling "secrets", sharing stories: the best of memories with one another. Was definitely one of the best of times, from the outside I'm sure we sounded like a bunch of cackling chickens, however only we are to understand our own language talking over one another and laughing.....nothing else seems to matter in these instances. I enjoyed Christmas celebrations with my godparents and even slipped in a quick Vegas trip....sometimes you just can't pass it up especially when you come home with this:

Christmas was upon me before I knew it, my shopping was done early this year which was a relief, I even chose to wrap as I bought which seemed silly to some. But they sure weren't laughing when I had nothing to wrap and they had saved all their gifts to wrap at once only days before Christmas Eve ... HA HA HA I say! So Christmas eve was a bit different this year, spent with my parents and brother. The last time it was just the four of us was about 16 years ago and to be honest it was probably the best one in a long time! We enjoyed eachother's company, laughing, reminiscing, playing games, enjoying a delicious meal at Lazy Dog along with little Oscar of course. Chrismas Day was another intimate day just the 4 of us enjoying brunch and a lovely surf and turf dinner.....sorry if I make you hungry right now:

 

It was as delicious way to end the holiday...to say the least!!! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and as the new year approaches take a moment to think about 2011, the good, the bad, the lessons learned, the friends made, those we let go of.....think about what you want to do in 2012 differently, or what you want to accomplish....and do it! It's a fresh start,  a fresh year to make things happen.....

So make it happen!

Oh Vegas...u sure came home with me this time!

So Vegas at 30 years old is really no different than Vegas at any other age. I recently went to Vegas for my friend Stephanie's bachelorette party with 12 of my girlfriends. And while this trip couldn't have come at a better time, it sure didn't let me leave in Vegas what happened in Vegas!

3:30 couldn't have come any faster for me to meet up with ash and Theresa so we could get to the airport and have our first cocktail before boarding our plane. The flight went smoothly, our luggage made it there safely, however who knew the cab line would be our first hostile encounter. Our eagerness got the best of us as we stood on the numbered circle marked 3....as in cab 3. As a cab rolls up a lady hops in the cab in front of us as her boyfriend comes running with a airport employee yelling at us to get back in line. The young man hops in the cab flipping us off and calling us line cutters. Who knew we were at Disneyland!?!? We finally make to our hotel about an hour later, get ourselves dolled up to meet the other girls for night number one of fun.

We get to the club all fancied up, get set up at our table at Encore nightclub which by the way I strongly recommend to anyone. Best club by far!!!! Except for when you slip and fall eh em. I'm getting to that fabulous moment. So nights going well, we team up with a bachelor party...dancing, enjoying every moment. Me of course being the mother hen realize two of my chicks are missing so I go in search. I find out one went back to the room...ok whew one is safe at the coop. The other I find near the restroom so I grab her and head back to the table. As I follow her back I have a fabulous encounter with the marble floor. It was not graceful by any means...I'm pretty sure the spilled drink on the floor, and the 4 inch heels were not a good combination unless it were to spell disaster. Luckily I had a sassy outfit on as my foot flew forward and my body flew up in the air, slamming on the floor in front of Surrenders finest. I laid there a few minutes wondering what was broken .... It's amazing how pain takes over embarrassment. I eventually allowed someone to help me up as I hobbled back to my table and announced party was over...I'm no longer flirty and thirty but instead nerdy and thirty.

By the time I had made it to the room, my ribs and shoulder were red and purple. I popped some Advil, put my friend to bed and while wincing in pain laid down realizing I had one more day and night to somehow get through. The next morning my entire body was stiff, sore and purple. I didn't let it get me down...I got up had some breakfast and started gambling :)

Needless to say I came home with bruised ribs and what happened in Vegas did not stay in Vegas...in fact it's still with me almost two weeks later.

It was a pleasure as always Vegas!

My mother's daughter...

Mother's and daughters have such a special bond...it's simple, it's natural, it's fragile and it constantly grows and changes with time and life.

I've seen my relationship with my mother change and progress and grow into something far more precious than anything I have every known (thus far). My mother isn't just my mother but she's my best friend. To this day she still comforts me when I'm down, nurses me when I'm not feeling well, offers advice I won't find in a book and loves me with all she has.  As my best friend, she shares ridiculous laughter at jokes only her and I would find funny, she carries on long text message conversations that simply make no sense to my poor dad (he prefers the old fashion telephone still xoxo) and she's the best shopping partner anyone could have. I still ask her questions about finances, love, life and even still will ask her which boots look better with what I'm wearing. I'll never stop needing her and that's what I love the most because no matter when or where or for what .... she's always there.

Life has no guarantees I know this, and I take everyday to remind myself how lucky I am to have what I have and who I have in my life. While I know some people aren't quite so lucky to have ever had such a special bond, or perhaps to have such a special bond cut short....I can only pray one day they can have the same relationship with their own daughters down the road.

So when someone says, "you looked just like your mother when you did that" or "you are just like your mother" ... know that you are being paid the best compliment you could be given; after all she raised you didn't she?

Getting Back on the Horse...

There's something about starting over...it's bittersweet. It's exciting because you have a chance to just revamp, renew and enjoy the unknown that is ahead of you.  It's somber because the disappointment that led you to this moment hurts and crushes a little bit of the faith and hope you put into something that you thought was right but turned out to be unbelievably wrong.

The older I get, the more difficulty I face regarding relationships. I know it's ok to be wrong, I mean we are all wrong possibly on a daily basis with decisions we make. Some are big some are small but most of the time we are so easily accepting of the wrong decisions.  But decisions of the heart?  Those are not so easy to accept. You try to convince yourself that you are not wrong at all because your heart feels a certain way.  The saying, Follow Your Heart isn't always the right thing to do. I think the heart feels appropriately but just because the heart feels something doesn't mean you should follow it....especially if it leads you down a dark road where you end up losing yourself. 
You find this amazing place where balance takes over and things seem calm and where they should be. You look around and while you are alone you are able to find complete happiness.  That's where I was. It took me a year but that's where I was....and then something happens. An unexpected character interrupts your story.  But you find it's a good interruption, something that adds to the smile on your face.  And while past experiences make you a bit skeptical and keep your most important pieces hidden under the surface....you start to feel like this could be something great; something different, something amazing and something not to be feared.  The process or idea of opening up your life is scary and it takes time and caution as I figured out very quickly and almost against my will.  It's like your heart wants to give in but your head just won't let you - a prisoner to yourself.  Time passes as this person makes you feel comfortable, gives you reassurance, says all the right things, has all the right moves - painting a picture you never imagined you would like but instead you realize its a masterpiece not to be disregarded but instead appreciated and accepted and held onto because it's worth far more you could have ever imagined.  Suddenly the spark hits and against your heads will....your heart takes over.  It's the moment you stop being afraid and you let it all go, again against your will - still a prisoner to yourself :o) 

Sometimes you find the person who appreciates you, treats you with respect and honesty and gives you everything and more.....other times you find the person that was destined to crush you and not feel at all remorseful for it....Sometimes things work out and other times they don't. Whether it's 6 years or 4 months ... it hurts just the same. You ask yourself a million questions wondering what went wrong, what you could have done differently, what could have been said, etc. You lose sleep trying to solve a puzzle you don't have the pieces to.  Then one day you wake up and you are ok....the pain gets lesser and lesser and you wake up one day ready to try it all over again....this time with a little more hope and a little more faith than you ever thought you would have again.

Love at First Sight...

I didn't actually believe in this statement until that beautiful day in May when Benjamin R. Tryfon came into my life (our lives for those of my best friends reading this....who share the same obsession for this little boy as I do).  It honestly seemed like the longest possible day because the anticipation and excitement was so overwhelming for me, let alone Elissa and Chris waiting to meet their beautiful baby boy. I worked through lunch and made arrangements with my boss to leave the office early so I wouldn't miss the magic moment.  And I'm pretty sure I was driving at an incredible speed yet hitting every damn red light and turning on every street that was jam packed with traffic.....but don't worry little Ben was super stubborn knowing so many people were waiting for his arrival and weren't yet all at the hospital yet...he stayed put for quite awhile :o).  We all gathered at the hospital trying as patiently as possible (which by the way lacked patience on every level) .... pacing back and forth in the waiting room, reading gossip magazines to get our minds off things, constantly waiting for some kind of update and even going upstairs to cup our ears to the delivery door to hear the slightest noise of a baby whimper or cry. A couple hours passed before confirmation from my "brown mother" aka Mrs. Randall aka Ben's grandma after we instructed her she had scrubs on so she should go listen against the door b/c she won't get into trouble.....She comes back squealing "He's hear...I heard him cry" (I just got goosebumps and my eyes are watering remembering the moment haha). 

We ran downstairs and again tried to patiently wait to now meet him and see Elissa and Chris. Family first of course so Ashley, Lacey and I stood very antsy in the waiting room waiting for the green light to meet our little Ben....soon to become the little love of our lives.  We opened the door and there it was .... a vision so surreal that it almost just took your breath away. Elissa lay there holding the most precious baby I had seen and Chris was smiling ear to ear. I didn't know what to do except just stare at him and take that moment in and realize how quickly I had just fallen in love with this little boy the moment I saw him. After Ashley and Lacey held him, he finally made it to my arms and I have held many babies in my arms, but this one was different.  Instantly I melted as I just stared at him and loved on him....at that moment he had me. 

 

He's growing so quickly it's almost sad but at the same time it's the most amazing thing to be a part of.  I try to see him at least once a week so I don't miss a thing and of course Elissa is saying I spoil him WAY too much .... but honestly what's an auntie to do except that?

It's amazing...another chapter in life as I watch my best friend become a mother and she's so natural and good at it. It's second nature to her really....and I have no doubt in my mind this little boy is by far the luckiest little guy there is and this world and my life thus far is a much better place with him in it <3

 

 

My Next 30 Years....

Tim McGraw put it best when he released the song "My Next Thirty Years"....figure out where I go from here. I have always loved this song and now the day has come where this song means more to me than it ever will. I said to myself yesterday, "wow, I have been on this earth, in this life for 30 years already." I remember being so young thinking, "Gosh 30 is so old and so far away, I can't picture myself being 30". Well it showed up before I knew it and I looked in the mirror and here I am...30 :o).

I know I know age is just a number but it's more than that. It's an accomplishment, it's years of life, years of experience and its a chapter closing and a chapter opening. I watch shows like Sex In the City with a profound parallel of my own life now, when I used to only watch for fun I now relate to it. I, just like many other girls out there envisioned a life for myself that is not even remotely close in reality, in ways it's so much better than I imagined, in other ways I won't lie, it's slightly disappointing.....however light has shown me some wonderful things at the end of the tunnel <3.

In a way, one life is closing and another is beginning. My next thirty years will be the BEST OF MY LIFE; I'm going to continue growing as the individual I am proud to say I am. I will open myself up to new possibilities and while I do so with a little bit of fear, I won't let that fear prevent me from saying, "At least I tried." I've learned that all you can do is try, and that there is no shame in failure....as long as you don't make the same mistake twice :o). In 30 years, I have been blessed with and built an amazing support system with friends and family that I thank God for everyday...and if there were a better word than just THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU; I would say it. Although I feel here, that less is more.

I think life takes us on so many paths with so many choices that sometimes come easy and other times are the most difficult decisions you will ever make. Each choice is lined with experience, sometimes regret, sometimes pride....but no matter the lining, it's always silver; there's always something to walk away with. Something that even though you forget it on the surface...molds your everyday life from that point on. I've made decisions that have led me to this very moment in my life that were a combination of gut feeling, emotion, life lessons and lastly support of those around me.  I'm ready for the next chapter, and though I feel I might know where it's going I'm just going to take it one day at a time because at the end of the day that's all we have is one day at a time. We aren't guaranteed another day or even another minute and we never know what is ahead at the turn of the next piece of time......

Just another full weekend...

Wow, two angel games, a little shopping with my favorite shopping partner (aka Mom), a little bowling and a fabulous night for yet another glorious 30th birthday celebration with the people that make me smile....I'd say my life is anything but dull and boring and absolutely full of life, laughs and continuous moments turned into memories. As me and the beautiful women in my life continue to get older, we watch one another take on new roles, face new challenges and experience things through one another in a fun and vicarious way. Yes some may be new parents, some may be taking the role of man and wife soon, some may just be starting new journey's looking for the person to start a new life with, some preparing for the role as parents as we speak....but all in all you throw us all in a room together for any kind of gathering and we are all still the same people we have always known and loved. Always, laughing, smiling, sharing what's new, taking pictures, making memories, dancing it up...all in all we still all are rooted back to who we have always been no matter where in life's journey we are.

The common ground we share is that fact that we are all on the journey together and I wouldn't have it any other way <3

 

A New Life on the Way....

It's always really exciting to hear when someone is having a baby....no matter who it is. But that excitement goes beyond any normal level when it's your best friend.  It was one thing when she called on Valentines Day two years ago and left a voicemail that scared me more than anything. I could tell she had been crying and she said, "Where are you? Why aren't you answering your phone? I NEED to talk to you!" I called her back semi-afraid of what she needed to tell me which in fact turned out to be that she had gotten engaged hahaha.  I think after I told her how scared I was listening to her voicemail, she took it down a notch when telling me that her and Chris were going to have a baby.  But it really didn't matter how mellow she was in telling me, I was excited beyond belief, however I couldn't express it because I WAS at work :o). In any case, we are just a couple weeks away from meeting this beautiful baby boy that will be more than spoiled by his family and all his aunties.

I wanted to capture a few shots for Chris and Elissa just as a treasure to keep and of course we laughed hysterically during most of it but I managed to get a few good shots.  I can't wait to meet little Ben ... he better be REAL prepared for all the love he's going to endure <3.

And my family grows by 1....

March 26th, 2011 my brother and his wife renewed their vows to one another one year after getting married in an intimate affair on March 25th, 2010.  Family and friends gathered together to witness the renewal of the binding love between the two of them and pretty much nothing could go wrong....well except for Jeff (aka their "minister") being held up on a plane with no pilot because the computer systems went amuck...but him and Jenelle eventually made it! I took a few moments to take in the visuals that lay before me and I realized that sometimes we have to just stop look around and take a picture, not just with your camera but in your mind. Embrace the vision of love, happiness with the sounds of laughter and chatter. Watching the people I care about so happy filled me with this uplifting feeling that I will never forget...I will say it over and over again as you read these blogs that I literally have THE MOST AMAZING family.  The way they laugh, the way they smile, the way they love with everything they have, the way they support, the way they appreciate life ... Every member of my family amazes me in one way or another and I know that if a day ever came that I had nothing but my family that would still make me the luckiest, richest person I know. 

I smiled as I watched my uncle twirl the glowing bride around on the dance floor...I smiled as I watched my brother so handsome and so grown up converse with everyone, all with this big smile on his face and his chest out so proud of this love he had found and will have for the rest of his life and quite honestly HAD for most of his life. 

Let me take a few steps back here...Aaron and Cara met years ago in grade school, our families shared holidays, vacations to Vegas, Laughlin, camping to name a few. They were destined from the beginning...and while they tested fate many times from the ages of 13 to the age of 30 they realized it was meant to be After All.  There's something about destiny, fate, and soul mates that is so magical....the twists, the turns, the ups, the downs, the laughs, the cries, the tests, the trials....none of it matters because whats meant to be will be. It's no wonder they chose After All as their wedding song: 

"After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
And after all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all"

As I watched them renew their vows smiling it all felt more right than it ever had before. They danced their first dance and smiled and whispered to one another. 

Life is funny, it's funny because at the end of the day things JUST WORK. Whether you think it's been a bad day, or you maybe got frustrated about something, or you cried a good cry for no reason you can explain....it kind of all is worth it for moments like this when NOT ONE THING in the whole world seems wrong: It's exactly how it should be....it's just right!

 

 

 

Congratulations Aaron & Cara...

Here's to a life full of laughs, love, happiness, health and wealth!

Love your Shelly :o)

Eyes Wide Shut...

Your first thought was probably Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's movie but no lol...the title is representative of that feeling of thinking you had it all figured it out, thinking you really felt you were in a place where you know who you are, you know who the people in your life are, you feel almost at peace a little bit because for once there are no questions lingering that keep you wondering if you are making good or bad decisions, wondering if you are putting the right people ahead of the wrong ones, opening up to those deserving of you, putting it all on the line for the ones you hope might do the same for you....and it's that moment you realize that well, you were wrong.  It's that moment you close your eyes because you had gotten to a point where you weren't afraid to see what you saw so you kept them open ready take it all in....but the moment you realize you were wrong, you shut your eyes hoping it will be a false vision and when you open your eyes, things will be back to the vision that you felt comfortable with.

I'm going to be thirty in 4 months and it seems the lessons just keep rolling in, and the funny thing is they are rolling in so quickly that it's almost like I'm back in school, trying to figure out a way to remember it all and hopefully not forget anything for the next test.  Every day there are people who change your life in a way you notice right away or maybe don't notice until they are gone, or maybe it's just a gradual change you grow to appreciate. We have friends, we have family, we have coworkers, classmates, lovers, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends......each one of these people leave a mark; good, bad, unforgettable, memorable, painful.  We don't get to choose what kind of mark they leave with us, we just make the choice to keep them or let them go no matter what or why or when.  We make the choice to take a chance on allowing someone who starts as a complete stranger become a part of our life.  We may keep them at a distance for awhile playing it safe to see if they will bite or not, we may naturally just let them see all the chapters right away because for some reason they let you be yourself and make you feel comfortable enough to do so.  In times like this we don't worry about what they might do with that advantage of getting you to let your guard down, trust them, hope they won't make you regret letting them see the real you so quickly.

I find that the fear of being an open book has overcome me greatly due to experiences with people that I never questioned, that I took risks with.  I've closed many chapters making them almost unattainable ... I've kept the chapters attainable to a rare few keeping the faith that they won't let me down, making sure that they are deserving of it. Unfortunately some took the chapters and ran, others still keep them quite sacred.  Being a cancer and all, I am surprised to find these disappointments a relief.... Relieved that some things aren't what they seem, some people are so far from where you placed them in your mind that it becomes a humorous disappointment instead of a painful one.  Relieved because you know you have been the best person you could be and just because people may not appreciate that or reciprocate that, doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong or anything in question:

It simply means that maybe I was wrong about people but at the end of the day, I was never wrong about myself, about my choices, about who I have been for the people in my life and that I will never be wrong in who I will continue to be or who I will grow to become for people who choose to be a part of my life. 

Things happen, people come and go perhaps to love you, to hate you, to distract you, to comfort you, to teach you, to listen to you, to need you, to want you, to hurt you or simply just to help you grow.  Embracing the reason, the experience, the lesson is the only way to keep looking forward, to never look back with regret and to allow each person you meet along the journey to leave their mark ---- helping to keep your eyes open to all the possibilities you might otherwise miss if your eyes had been wide shut.

Still here...

Wow...it's been two months since I have posted anything and let me just say I am sure not keeping my end of the bargain here. There is so much to catch you up on but unfortunately I have a task to accomplish in 1o minutes and let's be honest I need WELL more than 10 minutes to catch you up on 2 months worth of activity.

I will say this, I have stuck to my new years resolution very nicely "no plan is the best plan" and I have been taking more time to self-reflect which has opened up some areas of work that I tend to well....work on :o).  It's March now and spring is definitely in the air, with the temperature at a beautiful 79 degrees and with the amount of new clients pouring into my inbox, wedding season is in full bloom.  I don't take this for granted, but I sure do let it suck the life out of me.

Well...Happy Ash Wednesday everyone and I will be back soon XOXO

New Year, New Perspective....New Me

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.................Happy New Year! Bittersweet I must say, but at the core of my inner most being nothing really feels wrong.  I had a few different ways I could have welcomed 2011 and while I quite literally almost told myself to crawl in bed with my main man Oscar, I found myself saying, "NO! Get up this is your last New Years in your 20's. Celebrate."

I kept dreading the New Year...I mean the thought of it literally just made me feel so down. Anyone who asked me what I was doing for New Years most likely regretted it because all they got was an earful of Debbie Downer (which typically isn't me).  And EVERYONE who knows me also knows that regardless of my mood I most likely would have had a plan for this night at least a month in advance...it's what I do:  I PLAN. And with that being said, I have decided to plan no longer thanks to a great friend of mine who consistently yells at me to stop planning everything. "No Plan Is The Best Plan" - my new motto. And oddly my horoscope also went parallel with this new perspective by stating I should not commit to anything on New Years Eve but to just take the day as it comes and trust me I did just that.

I got myself dressed and ready to go with only ONE FOR SURE plan I was determined to keep: Dinner with mom and dad. I hadn't enjoyed a New Years Eve dinner with my parents in at least 10 years; always going off and planning other things seemingly more important at the time.  However the older I've gotten, and the experiences I've endured have matured my perspective on what should be compromised and given up and what shouldn't be.

After dinner, I decided I shouldn't retire before midnight and headed to my friends Nichole and Brett's home where they were hosting everyone.  And while I was really still just not feeling the whole idea, the moment I opened the door and saw my friend Kristina with a big smile on her face as she told me, "Guess What?!?!?!? I'm pregnant!" I suddenly knew I was right where I was supposed to be.  Nothing else mattered anymore as Ashley and Elissa smiled big and hugged me, Nichole walked by carrying baby Charlotte to bed, and little Peyton ran by making some silly squeal. It's funny how the things I thought would be hard for me to engulf myself in turned out to be 100% what I needed.  I hugged Mike and Kristina and congratulated them, rubbed Elissa's belly which I later after much thought renamed Baby Bear because SweetPea was too girly :o). The house was filled with family, friends, new life, love, innocence and an overwhelming sense of relief --- like everything was how it should be.

I thought back one year picturing us all in Vegas and how much has changed:
1. Chris and Elissa are now married and expecting a baby boy this spring
2. Heather and JJ are now married expecting their first baby in just a couple months
3. Emma, Charlotte, Harlow, Gretchen, Devan, all came into the world
4. Matt and Stephanie will be married in 2011


The reality is that life happens and it happens fast. After 365 days, life is different.  I had an interesting 365 days, none of which I would change for a single second.  I've laughed and I've cried, I've said hello to new amazing people and I've said good bye in a few different forms.  Where I've closed the book on parts of my life, I will open another book.  I learned so much in 2010 and while I didn't learn it ALL I DID learn a very heavy lesson:

Don't sweat the small stuff because for every moment you spend sad or angry is a moment of happiness you take away from yourself.  Life will never be what you THINK it should be, it's going to throw you curve-balls and trust me you will swing and miss...but that doesn't mean you should sit on the bench and not play the game at all.  While I still am experiencing moments of my past and assume I probably will for awhile...I'm ok with that.  A lot of people say to let go of the past which I don't agree with because my past is what got me here, the present is what will make me in the future.  I always thought I had my life figured out, always PLANNED where I should be and life pretty much threw me all curve-balls to prove a point.  NOTHING GOES ACCORDING TO PLANNED! So aside from me letting life takes its course, I have learned the hardest lesson I think there is to learn:  acceptance. If you can accept things and people for what and who they are, you don't have to work so hard at figuring out what is already plain to see.  Accept who you are also and where you are and if you can't? Then adjust...adjust and make the changes you need to so that you can.  So as I look forward into 2011 I can do nothing but smile; smile because I have more friends bringing new life in this world, I have friends starting lives together in marriage, I have my health, I have the people who matter most surrounding me, I have an amazing job, I have a home and while it's scary........I smile because I have no idea what is in store for me.


So here's to the year of unlimited surprises with the people who have changed my life...one day at a time!