So I promised I wouldn't stay away for so long again ........... turns out I lied (forgive me).
It's been almost exactly 4 years since my last post - WOW 4 years.
I, of course, took time to read my last post, ironically on the date JUNE 28th, 2013 (you will learn why this is ironic later). I would be lying if I said it didn't strike a cord and bring to surface emotions that I haven't felt in awhile - sadness, disappointment, anger, confusion to name a few. I know most people would never put their life out there for people to engulf themselves in, but I always feel that every experience in life - good or bad - has something to offer everyone. So, I will continue to bring to light what life has put in front of me and hope that it either helps someone get through something similar or maybe just sheds light on something that perhaps someone they know is going through. Either way - I'm here for you :o).
I left you all with my heart bursting at the seams with love, happiness, optimism, hope, and certainty. I had this man that appeared out of nowhere when I had just learned how to live and love on my own. It happened when I least expected it to and I was high as high can be on his love. We were the couple I always dreamed I would be a part of and he was all mine and I was all his. Two months after my last post he made my dreams come true and he proposed with a picture perfect backdrop of Laguna Beach and Catalina, sun setting in the distance. We called my parents, celebrated with his mom and a toast of bubbly and we made the all too unnecessary (but required in a weird way) social media announcement "The Lion Has Been Tamed" (stupid in hindsight). I never thought this day would come and when it did I was happier than I ever thought happy could feel like. I had my forever, I had the man of my dreams and I couldn't wait to marry him.
Wedding plans started right away and we started preparing for our life together. In October, my employer of 4 years dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere, "We are eliminating your position." I was devastated, scared and shocked. I suddenly started regretting all those stupid shopping sprees, vacations, etc. angry with myself for not saving more when I had it. I cried for a long time, then I called my fiance. He encouraged me to take a chance on my invitation business and supported me better than I could have imagined.......I had a sense of relief. I used my time off to hike every morning and prepare for my wedding dress body, I mastered many COOKING LIGHT dishes and I worked hard on building my business. I actually was loving my life as a housewife, taking care of my soon to be husband and the household while still balancing my furbaby and my business; I felt like wonder woman. The holidays came and went, wedding planning continued and we were getting close to the big day.....when another BOMB was dropped on us. My fiance called to tell me that his company had done a huge layoff and he was one of the layoffs.....................................talk about testing a relationship - through good and bad right??? We didn't panic, we just kept moving forward and I eventually started my new job in April of 2014 (out for a total of 6 months). They worked with my wedding planning and invitation business schedule and I will forever be grateful for that because I was able to keep my sanity. I still currently work for them and I couldn't be happier and still so very appreciative.
In the middle of it all there was still a wedding to plan. Relatives started coming to town and final details were being decided upon. My fiance's cousin from out of the country came for two weeks and we gladly let him stay with us; Oscar fell so in love with him he stopped sleeping with us and chose the couch with him :o). I took over most of the planning because I really wanted my fiance and his cousin to have this time together since he was out of work I figured it would lighten his spirits and it gave him time to show his cousin around after so many years. I loved seeing the two of them together, laughing, bonding having the time of their lives. FAMILY - nothing beats it.
The planning for the most part was easy, we agreed on almost everything......almost. I remember the words of so many of my friends who had gone through this before with regrets of not getting a videographer, so I desperately wanted to have that element for our wedding. To me pictures are great but you can't make them come to life; a video would capture it all. It was the only thing we would be expected to pay for (lucky us).....and it was the ONLY thing that served as a crystal ball into my future marriage with this man if I had only seen the red flag being waved in my face. The discussions about paying for a videographer were frequent, one moment he would agree, one moment he wouldn't and call it a waste of money. I didn't understand how he could look at me and say those words; it's our wedding day! I watched him spend money on frivolous things that only mattered to him: tires, a stereo, a muffler, etc. I watched him as he disregarded what I wanted and only focused on what he wanted. I thought, it's because he's out of work and he's the man - he's frustrated, agitated, feels emasculated. So I brushed it off (terrible mistake). I attempted to bring up the video one last time which I fully regretted as he snapped at me, telling me he didn't have money to spend on something so stupid. Our voices got louder, the frustration levels got higher as word vomit just spilled from both our mouths. I eventually said that I think we should seek counseling before walking down the aisle. He responded with, "I'm out of work I don't have money for counseling...so you pay for it." At that point I reminded him of the money he had been spending on the second car he had purchased which led him to tell me to "F off" as he told me he was leaving the country until the wedding day.
After many hours of cooling down, I convinced him not to go and we moved forward as if nothing had happened (standard). I called my friend, feeling a knot in my stomach wondering if this was just the stress of being out of work or was this person I had just seen who my husband was going to be. I questioned myself and my decision to marry him but somehow managed to convince myself that it was just life's circumstances, God testing us and that we could surpass it all.
Before we knew it JUNE 28th, 2014 (I told this date was ironic) was upon us. HE vowed to hold me to the highest regard; I vowed to never give up on him, myself or our marriage. We celebrated the first steps of our new life with 165 of our closest friends and family. Everything was like a fairy tale and as picture perfect as any movie had portrayed a wedding day to be. I was in love and I was happy...........................was.
In the middle of it all there was still a wedding to plan. Relatives started coming to town and final details were being decided upon. My fiance's cousin from out of the country came for two weeks and we gladly let him stay with us; Oscar fell so in love with him he stopped sleeping with us and chose the couch with him :o). I took over most of the planning because I really wanted my fiance and his cousin to have this time together since he was out of work I figured it would lighten his spirits and it gave him time to show his cousin around after so many years. I loved seeing the two of them together, laughing, bonding having the time of their lives. FAMILY - nothing beats it.
The planning for the most part was easy, we agreed on almost everything......almost. I remember the words of so many of my friends who had gone through this before with regrets of not getting a videographer, so I desperately wanted to have that element for our wedding. To me pictures are great but you can't make them come to life; a video would capture it all. It was the only thing we would be expected to pay for (lucky us).....and it was the ONLY thing that served as a crystal ball into my future marriage with this man if I had only seen the red flag being waved in my face. The discussions about paying for a videographer were frequent, one moment he would agree, one moment he wouldn't and call it a waste of money. I didn't understand how he could look at me and say those words; it's our wedding day! I watched him spend money on frivolous things that only mattered to him: tires, a stereo, a muffler, etc. I watched him as he disregarded what I wanted and only focused on what he wanted. I thought, it's because he's out of work and he's the man - he's frustrated, agitated, feels emasculated. So I brushed it off (terrible mistake). I attempted to bring up the video one last time which I fully regretted as he snapped at me, telling me he didn't have money to spend on something so stupid. Our voices got louder, the frustration levels got higher as word vomit just spilled from both our mouths. I eventually said that I think we should seek counseling before walking down the aisle. He responded with, "I'm out of work I don't have money for counseling...so you pay for it." At that point I reminded him of the money he had been spending on the second car he had purchased which led him to tell me to "F off" as he told me he was leaving the country until the wedding day.
After many hours of cooling down, I convinced him not to go and we moved forward as if nothing had happened (standard). I called my friend, feeling a knot in my stomach wondering if this was just the stress of being out of work or was this person I had just seen who my husband was going to be. I questioned myself and my decision to marry him but somehow managed to convince myself that it was just life's circumstances, God testing us and that we could surpass it all.
Before we knew it JUNE 28th, 2014 (I told this date was ironic) was upon us. HE vowed to hold me to the highest regard; I vowed to never give up on him, myself or our marriage. We celebrated the first steps of our new life with 165 of our closest friends and family. Everything was like a fairy tale and as picture perfect as any movie had portrayed a wedding day to be. I was in love and I was happy...........................was.
