Eyes Wide Shut...

Your first thought was probably Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's movie but no lol...the title is representative of that feeling of thinking you had it all figured it out, thinking you really felt you were in a place where you know who you are, you know who the people in your life are, you feel almost at peace a little bit because for once there are no questions lingering that keep you wondering if you are making good or bad decisions, wondering if you are putting the right people ahead of the wrong ones, opening up to those deserving of you, putting it all on the line for the ones you hope might do the same for you....and it's that moment you realize that well, you were wrong.  It's that moment you close your eyes because you had gotten to a point where you weren't afraid to see what you saw so you kept them open ready take it all in....but the moment you realize you were wrong, you shut your eyes hoping it will be a false vision and when you open your eyes, things will be back to the vision that you felt comfortable with.

I'm going to be thirty in 4 months and it seems the lessons just keep rolling in, and the funny thing is they are rolling in so quickly that it's almost like I'm back in school, trying to figure out a way to remember it all and hopefully not forget anything for the next test.  Every day there are people who change your life in a way you notice right away or maybe don't notice until they are gone, or maybe it's just a gradual change you grow to appreciate. We have friends, we have family, we have coworkers, classmates, lovers, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends......each one of these people leave a mark; good, bad, unforgettable, memorable, painful.  We don't get to choose what kind of mark they leave with us, we just make the choice to keep them or let them go no matter what or why or when.  We make the choice to take a chance on allowing someone who starts as a complete stranger become a part of our life.  We may keep them at a distance for awhile playing it safe to see if they will bite or not, we may naturally just let them see all the chapters right away because for some reason they let you be yourself and make you feel comfortable enough to do so.  In times like this we don't worry about what they might do with that advantage of getting you to let your guard down, trust them, hope they won't make you regret letting them see the real you so quickly.

I find that the fear of being an open book has overcome me greatly due to experiences with people that I never questioned, that I took risks with.  I've closed many chapters making them almost unattainable ... I've kept the chapters attainable to a rare few keeping the faith that they won't let me down, making sure that they are deserving of it. Unfortunately some took the chapters and ran, others still keep them quite sacred.  Being a cancer and all, I am surprised to find these disappointments a relief.... Relieved that some things aren't what they seem, some people are so far from where you placed them in your mind that it becomes a humorous disappointment instead of a painful one.  Relieved because you know you have been the best person you could be and just because people may not appreciate that or reciprocate that, doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong or anything in question:

It simply means that maybe I was wrong about people but at the end of the day, I was never wrong about myself, about my choices, about who I have been for the people in my life and that I will never be wrong in who I will continue to be or who I will grow to become for people who choose to be a part of my life. 

Things happen, people come and go perhaps to love you, to hate you, to distract you, to comfort you, to teach you, to listen to you, to need you, to want you, to hurt you or simply just to help you grow.  Embracing the reason, the experience, the lesson is the only way to keep looking forward, to never look back with regret and to allow each person you meet along the journey to leave their mark ---- helping to keep your eyes open to all the possibilities you might otherwise miss if your eyes had been wide shut.

Still here...

Wow...it's been two months since I have posted anything and let me just say I am sure not keeping my end of the bargain here. There is so much to catch you up on but unfortunately I have a task to accomplish in 1o minutes and let's be honest I need WELL more than 10 minutes to catch you up on 2 months worth of activity.

I will say this, I have stuck to my new years resolution very nicely "no plan is the best plan" and I have been taking more time to self-reflect which has opened up some areas of work that I tend to well....work on :o).  It's March now and spring is definitely in the air, with the temperature at a beautiful 79 degrees and with the amount of new clients pouring into my inbox, wedding season is in full bloom.  I don't take this for granted, but I sure do let it suck the life out of me.

Well...Happy Ash Wednesday everyone and I will be back soon XOXO