4 Years of Chances ... Part 2: Year One to Two of Marriage

"The First Year of marriage is the hardest" ... It's what you hear over and over again from from professionals, from your parents, maybe some of your friends. Hell, it's just a known statement.
I entered into my marriage knowing things were going to get rough at some point or another and that I would NEVER give up. I entered knowing I would always work hard, like I always have in every aspect of my life, to make my marriage work. Except I never knew it would be so hard so early. By early I mean two weeks into it, second red flag that I so naively ignored was waving aggressively in the air. With my husband still out of work, I changed my job to full time hours and continued to take on every invitation side business job I could so that if we needed to I had extra funds to handle the bills. I could see two weeks after our wedding that the "honeymoon phase" was over; or maybe it never even existed when I look back on it. I could see the personality change, the affection lessen, the resentment building but I tried to just keep doing what I could in the situation I was in. Still out of work, I watched as he became frustrated at what I assumed was the fact he could not "provide", or maybe he didn't feel like "the man". I would negotiate my thoughts and feelings daily as he became cold and hard towards me. His expectations started to change and his demands increased with no regard to my feelings or thoughts. I sat working one afternoon after ending an 8 hour day at the office when he bulldozed into the house demanding I help him carry in groceries from the car. Being I was in the middle of something (WORK), I didn't exactly jump to assist him right away which angered him even more. He proceeded to tell me that I never help him, or do anything around the house and that I am a shitty wife for not stopping what I was doing to help him. To this day, I've never gotten over hearing those words come out of my newly wed husband's mouth. I felt like he had slapped me across the face with those words, how could he be so unhappy with me only weeks into this marriage and so insulting without even flinching. I didn't know it at the moment, but that would be the beginning of the end for us. 


Three months went by before he was finally hired at a local mortgage company. I thought that I might be able to breathe again and possibly enjoy this thing called Marriage. Nope, I was wrong. The pressure and manipulation started as he began to push the purchasing a house idea. I owned the condo we lived in and had plans to keep it and rent it out when we were able to purchase a bigger home - we were NOWHERE near that without me selling the condo so I was really not in agreement with the idea. After months of arguing I finally gave in and we purchased a home; I said goodbye to my goal of renting out the condo as an investment property and resentment immediately set in. I spent hours unpacking, packing with the help of my parents (not my husband), all while working full time, prepping the condo for sale, running an invitation business and trying my best to fulfill my duties as a wife.

I was already unhappy but trying my best to hide it and just blame it on all the stressors in my life. We decided now was a good time to head to Kauai for our "honeymoon". We packed our bags in hopes that this trip would rekindle what we once shared and felt. WRONG AGAIN. The tension was always there - we were simply trying to bury it and sweep it under the rug hoping paradise would erase it all. That's not how it works. Day two of Kauai my life in my marriage changed forever and to be honest changed me forever. I no longer saw my husband, I saw a monster; someone who looked through me not at me, who saw me as an object not a person, who used me instead of loving me. And as I cried he grew more angry with me telling me I was ridiculous. I told him that if his dad could only see how he was talking to me, he would not be happy with him. He replied stating that if his dad knew how much of a Bitch I was being that he would tell him to leave me (doubtful). We spent the day separate because I couldn't bare to look at him and quite frankly I don't think he cared to look at me either. I contemplated packing my stuff and leaving right then but I didn't. By the time we left he had changed his seats for the flight home without telling me. We boarded the plane and I went to my seat as he kept walking to another row without saying a word.

I didn't sleep at all that entire flight - I kept waiting for him to come check on me, make sure I was ok, kiss me, say I'm sorry - something. We landed and as we waited for the car he proceeded to tell me that flying without me was the best part of the trip and called me a bunch of negative things. It was a long drive home - silent drive home as I fought to hold back the tears. We slept separately that night and I knew the next day was do or die.

We woke up and I laid it out there.....Therapy or I'm done. He agreed to go. We chose a therapist and for months tried to mend what I already knew deep down was never going to be repaired. But I tried anyway. By December 2015 (1.5 years after getting married) nothing had changed and we were merely tolerating eachother on a day to day basis. I buried myself in more work and he slipped away by going out with the guys or coworkers more and more. He started bailing on plans we made without even blinking an eye and started sleeping in separate rooms more frequently. Our marriage was slipping away before our very eyes and I grew more and more exhausted, resentful, and I, for the first time in my life felt helpless and alone.

Big Bear April 2016 - last good memory I would make with my husband and family. Those moments would never happen again as life changed for all of us May 5th, 2016. My life would never be the same, everything would end for us that night with ZERO chance of repair - NO MATTER WHAT.

4 Years of Chances....Part 1

So I promised I wouldn't stay away for so long again ........... turns out I lied (forgive me).

It's been almost exactly 4 years since my last post - WOW 4 years.

I, of course, took time to read my last post, ironically on the date JUNE 28th, 2013 (you will learn why this is ironic later). I would be lying if I said it didn't strike a cord and bring to surface emotions that I haven't felt in awhile - sadness, disappointment, anger, confusion to name a few. I know most people would never put their life out there for people to engulf themselves in, but I always feel that every experience in life - good or bad - has something to offer everyone. So, I will continue to bring to light what life has put in front of me and hope that it either helps someone get through something similar or maybe just sheds light on something that perhaps someone they know is going through. Either way - I'm here for you :o).

I left you all with my heart bursting at the seams with love, happiness, optimism, hope, and certainty. I had this man that appeared out of nowhere when I had just learned how to live and love on my own. It happened when I least expected it to and I was high as high can be on his love. We were the couple I always dreamed I would be a part of and he was all mine and I was all his. Two months after my last post he made my dreams come true and he proposed with a picture perfect backdrop of Laguna Beach and Catalina, sun setting in the distance. We called my parents, celebrated with his mom and a toast of bubbly and we made the all too unnecessary (but required in a weird way) social media announcement "The Lion Has Been Tamed" (stupid in hindsight). I never thought this day would come and when it did I was happier than I ever thought happy could feel like. I had my forever, I had the man of my dreams and I couldn't wait to marry him.

Wedding plans started right away and we started preparing for our life together. In October, my employer of 4 years dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere, "We are eliminating your position." I was devastated, scared and shocked. I suddenly started regretting all those stupid shopping sprees, vacations, etc. angry with myself for not saving more when I had it. I cried for a long time, then I called my fiance. He encouraged me to take a chance on my invitation business and supported me better than I could have imagined.......I had a sense of relief. I used my time off to hike every morning and prepare for my wedding dress body, I mastered many COOKING LIGHT dishes and I worked hard on building my business. I actually was loving my life as a housewife, taking care of my soon to be husband and the household while still balancing my furbaby and my business; I felt like wonder woman. The holidays came and went, wedding planning continued and we were getting close to the big day.....when another BOMB was dropped on us. My fiance called to tell me that his company had done a huge layoff and he was one of the layoffs.....................................talk about testing a relationship - through good and bad right??? We didn't panic, we just kept moving forward and I eventually started my new job in April of 2014 (out for a total of 6 months). They worked with my wedding planning and invitation business schedule and I will forever be grateful for that because I was able to keep my sanity. I still currently work for them and I couldn't be happier and still so very appreciative.

In the middle of it all there was still a wedding to plan. Relatives started coming to town and final details were being decided upon. My fiance's cousin from out of the country came for two weeks and we gladly let him stay with us; Oscar fell so in love with him he stopped sleeping with us and chose the couch with him :o). I took over most of the planning because I really wanted my fiance and his cousin to have this time together since he was out of work I figured it would lighten his spirits and it gave him time to show his cousin around after so many years. I loved seeing the two of them together, laughing, bonding having the time of their lives. FAMILY - nothing beats it.

The planning for the most part was easy, we agreed on almost everything......almost. I remember the words of so many of my friends who had gone through this before with regrets of not getting a videographer, so I desperately wanted to have that element for our wedding. To me pictures are great but you can't make them come to life; a video would capture it all. It was the only thing we would be expected to pay for (lucky us).....and it was the ONLY thing that served as a crystal ball into my future marriage with this man if I had only seen the red flag being waved in my face. The discussions about paying for a videographer were frequent, one moment he would agree, one moment he wouldn't and call it a waste of money. I didn't understand how he could look at me and say those words; it's our wedding day! I watched him spend money on frivolous things that only mattered to him: tires, a stereo, a muffler, etc. I watched him as he disregarded what I wanted and only focused on what he wanted. I thought, it's because he's out of work and he's the man - he's frustrated, agitated, feels emasculated. So I brushed it off (terrible mistake). I attempted to bring up the video one last time which I fully regretted as he snapped at me, telling me he didn't have money to spend on something so stupid. Our voices got louder, the frustration levels got higher as word vomit just spilled from both our mouths. I eventually said that I think we should seek counseling before walking down the aisle. He responded with, "I'm out of work I don't have money for counseling...so you pay for it." At that point I reminded him of the money he had been spending on the second car he had purchased which led him to tell me to "F off" as he told me he was leaving the country until the wedding day.

After many hours of cooling down, I convinced him not to go and we moved forward as if nothing had happened (standard). I called my friend, feeling a knot in my stomach wondering if this was just the stress of being out of work or was this person I had just seen who my husband was going to be. I questioned myself and my decision to marry him but somehow managed to convince myself that it was just life's circumstances, God testing us and that we could surpass it all.

Before we knew it JUNE 28th, 2014 (I told this date was ironic) was upon us. HE vowed to hold me to the highest regard; I vowed to never give up on him, myself or our marriage. We celebrated the first steps of our new life with 165 of our closest friends and family. Everything was like a fairy tale and as picture perfect as any movie had portrayed a wedding day to be. I was in love and I was happy...........................was.