"The First Year of marriage is the hardest" ... It's what you hear over and over again from from professionals, from your parents, maybe some of your friends. Hell, it's just a known statement.
I entered into my marriage knowing things were going to get rough at some point or another and that I would NEVER give up. I entered knowing I would always work hard, like I always have in every aspect of my life, to make my marriage work. Except I never knew it would be so hard so early. By early I mean two weeks into it, second red flag that I so naively ignored was waving aggressively in the air. With my husband still out of work, I changed my job to full time hours and continued to take on every invitation side business job I could so that if we needed to I had extra funds to handle the bills. I could see two weeks after our wedding that the "honeymoon phase" was over; or maybe it never even existed when I look back on it. I could see the personality change, the affection lessen, the resentment building but I tried to just keep doing what I could in the situation I was in. Still out of work, I watched as he became frustrated at what I assumed was the fact he could not "provide", or maybe he didn't feel like "the man". I would negotiate my thoughts and feelings daily as he became cold and hard towards me. His expectations started to change and his demands increased with no regard to my feelings or thoughts. I sat working one afternoon after ending an 8 hour day at the office when he bulldozed into the house demanding I help him carry in groceries from the car. Being I was in the middle of something (WORK), I didn't exactly jump to assist him right away which angered him even more. He proceeded to tell me that I never help him, or do anything around the house and that I am a shitty wife for not stopping what I was doing to help him. To this day, I've never gotten over hearing those words come out of my newly wed husband's mouth. I felt like he had slapped me across the face with those words, how could he be so unhappy with me only weeks into this marriage and so insulting without even flinching. I didn't know it at the moment, but that would be the beginning of the end for us.
Three months went by before he was finally hired at a local mortgage company. I thought that I might be able to breathe again and possibly enjoy this thing called Marriage. Nope, I was wrong. The pressure and manipulation started as he began to push the purchasing a house idea. I owned the condo we lived in and had plans to keep it and rent it out when we were able to purchase a bigger home - we were NOWHERE near that without me selling the condo so I was really not in agreement with the idea. After months of arguing I finally gave in and we purchased a home; I said goodbye to my goal of renting out the condo as an investment property and resentment immediately set in. I spent hours unpacking, packing with the help of my parents (not my husband), all while working full time, prepping the condo for sale, running an invitation business and trying my best to fulfill my duties as a wife.
I was already unhappy but trying my best to hide it and just blame it on all the stressors in my life. We decided now was a good time to head to Kauai for our "honeymoon". We packed our bags in hopes that this trip would rekindle what we once shared and felt. WRONG AGAIN. The tension was always there - we were simply trying to bury it and sweep it under the rug hoping paradise would erase it all. That's not how it works. Day two of Kauai my life in my marriage changed forever and to be honest changed me forever. I no longer saw my husband, I saw a monster; someone who looked through me not at me, who saw me as an object not a person, who used me instead of loving me. And as I cried he grew more angry with me telling me I was ridiculous. I told him that if his dad could only see how he was talking to me, he would not be happy with him. He replied stating that if his dad knew how much of a Bitch I was being that he would tell him to leave me (doubtful). We spent the day separate because I couldn't bare to look at him and quite frankly I don't think he cared to look at me either. I contemplated packing my stuff and leaving right then but I didn't. By the time we left he had changed his seats for the flight home without telling me. We boarded the plane and I went to my seat as he kept walking to another row without saying a word.
I didn't sleep at all that entire flight - I kept waiting for him to come check on me, make sure I was ok, kiss me, say I'm sorry - something. We landed and as we waited for the car he proceeded to tell me that flying without me was the best part of the trip and called me a bunch of negative things. It was a long drive home - silent drive home as I fought to hold back the tears. We slept separately that night and I knew the next day was do or die.
We woke up and I laid it out there.....Therapy or I'm done. He agreed to go. We chose a therapist and for months tried to mend what I already knew deep down was never going to be repaired. But I tried anyway. By December 2015 (1.5 years after getting married) nothing had changed and we were merely tolerating eachother on a day to day basis. I buried myself in more work and he slipped away by going out with the guys or coworkers more and more. He started bailing on plans we made without even blinking an eye and started sleeping in separate rooms more frequently. Our marriage was slipping away before our very eyes and I grew more and more exhausted, resentful, and I, for the first time in my life felt helpless and alone.
Big Bear April 2016 - last good memory I would make with my husband and family. Those moments would never happen again as life changed for all of us May 5th, 2016. My life would never be the same, everything would end for us that night with ZERO chance of repair - NO MATTER WHAT.
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