Yesterday I sat in traffic while my mind wandered....and it wandered unknowingly to a moment in my life that I thought I had moved past. A moment that I remembered feeling so hopeful about yet it turned out to be anything but hope would entail. I kept trying to shake the memories from my mind because I swore that it was something I wouldn't revisit, something that I had grown stronger over, something that wasn't worthy of my time.....yet here that moment was: soaking up my time.
I started to realize how badly the surroundings reminded me of a moment in time when I was so happy, so hopeful and so blissful. I looked around wondering how a simple freeway, or a landmark on the side of the road, or the time of day caused my mind to be filled with something that I have been desperately trying to forget. And while I have driven this route quite frequently over the course of the past 12 months, that routes impact on me changed about half way through the year when someone came into my life and made me believe in things that I thought I would never believe in again. I felt things I never imagined I would feel again, I smiled like I had never smiled before and I felt the tides change.
Things didn't stay this way for too long, although long enough to apparently stick with me almost a year later....my smile faded, my eyes saddened, the hope I had was lost and my beliefs reverted back to what they were. I'll never fully understand what this experience was meant to do for me...I've gone over it countless number of times in my mind as I sit at work, as I lay in bed, as I drive by myself. The answers haven't come easy and I think I'll always wonder what could have been, but as I sat in traffic on that same freeway, passing those same landmarks, at the same time of day .... those same things I experienced when I was happier than I had ever been, smiling bigger than I ever had, believed in things I had lost hope in.....my mind wandered back to those moments .... my mind wandered to that place that at one time made me feel everything again. At that moment I felt everything all over again, even in the absence of the person who made me feel those things.....I felt them all over again and I caught myself smiling.
When the moment faded into the back of my mind and I snapped back to reality....I got my answer I had been looking for. That mind travel I had just experienced made me realize that I can and do still believe.
......it reminded me of what it felt like to believe and to be hopeful and that perhaps that never fully goes away......sometimes we just need a reminder.
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