Getting Back on the Horse...

There's something about starting over...it's bittersweet. It's exciting because you have a chance to just revamp, renew and enjoy the unknown that is ahead of you.  It's somber because the disappointment that led you to this moment hurts and crushes a little bit of the faith and hope you put into something that you thought was right but turned out to be unbelievably wrong.

The older I get, the more difficulty I face regarding relationships. I know it's ok to be wrong, I mean we are all wrong possibly on a daily basis with decisions we make. Some are big some are small but most of the time we are so easily accepting of the wrong decisions.  But decisions of the heart?  Those are not so easy to accept. You try to convince yourself that you are not wrong at all because your heart feels a certain way.  The saying, Follow Your Heart isn't always the right thing to do. I think the heart feels appropriately but just because the heart feels something doesn't mean you should follow it....especially if it leads you down a dark road where you end up losing yourself. 
You find this amazing place where balance takes over and things seem calm and where they should be. You look around and while you are alone you are able to find complete happiness.  That's where I was. It took me a year but that's where I was....and then something happens. An unexpected character interrupts your story.  But you find it's a good interruption, something that adds to the smile on your face.  And while past experiences make you a bit skeptical and keep your most important pieces hidden under the surface....you start to feel like this could be something great; something different, something amazing and something not to be feared.  The process or idea of opening up your life is scary and it takes time and caution as I figured out very quickly and almost against my will.  It's like your heart wants to give in but your head just won't let you - a prisoner to yourself.  Time passes as this person makes you feel comfortable, gives you reassurance, says all the right things, has all the right moves - painting a picture you never imagined you would like but instead you realize its a masterpiece not to be disregarded but instead appreciated and accepted and held onto because it's worth far more you could have ever imagined.  Suddenly the spark hits and against your heads will....your heart takes over.  It's the moment you stop being afraid and you let it all go, again against your will - still a prisoner to yourself :o) 

Sometimes you find the person who appreciates you, treats you with respect and honesty and gives you everything and more.....other times you find the person that was destined to crush you and not feel at all remorseful for it....Sometimes things work out and other times they don't. Whether it's 6 years or 4 months ... it hurts just the same. You ask yourself a million questions wondering what went wrong, what you could have done differently, what could have been said, etc. You lose sleep trying to solve a puzzle you don't have the pieces to.  Then one day you wake up and you are ok....the pain gets lesser and lesser and you wake up one day ready to try it all over again....this time with a little more hope and a little more faith than you ever thought you would have again.